at the river, and an open threat to big sugar

literally sat by the river and asked the manatees to come swim near where i was on the dock. i asked them (don’t worry, i was not thinking out loud): if you are OK, show yourselves. if you forgive me for letting my people hurt you, please show yourselves. if you believe that i will help you, please, show yourselves.

2 mins later.

5 manatees swim to the dock, i see them and their whiskers and their scars and i tell them i love them and they puff water and swim away.

i am the keeper of these rivers and it will be a day from hell if big sugar continues to attempt and harm my river and all of the unbelievable life that it provides for.

i am going to make sure that the people wake up. we will save our waters and our marine life. this planet is not just the land we build our shit on. this planet is the closest proof to god that we have. god is what gives you life. the universe created this planet and without this planet, there would not be what you have come to understand as life.

this planet and all of the rivers, waters, lives (human and non-human) – they are all a part of god. so, it’s funny when god-fearing conservatives find it easy to destroy the land that raised them, but will fight to keep the word God in public schools. go sit on a shit.

time to vote for new officials, time to wake up, time to get engaged. the manatees – they believe in us, and if we let down our co-species, we let down this entire planet.

game on, big sugar.

anxiety and the flow of energy

anxiety. those in touch with the universal flow of energy, we suffer with the struggle of anxiety because we feel it all, we feel all of it. we feel what others do not. we feel for those who do not feel for themselves. we feel for the forgotten, the undiscovered, the unloved and the hateful. we feel. all of the time.

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anxiety is the result.
fuck. shit.
feeling anxious.
shit is right next to the fear of death.
feels like your heart fell out of your butt.
sucks.
fucking pharma and their doting doctors-
they will not hesitate to provide us with temporary fixes.
anxiety is apart of the universe’s energy.
it is not something we can, or should, ever mask.

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flashback:
anxiety hits me.
news is: mom has cancer, and not the type that shows up the first time. mom has cancer. again.
anxiety tears my soul:
mom dies.
heart pounding.
belly twisting nervousness.
adrenaline.

knowing that all feelings are justified, my heart says listen, the universe sends things to you so that you can embrace them. the universe sends people, death,energy, opportunities and accidents. fucking embrace them.

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yes, that is what i should have done. what did i do instead?
enough Xanax to kill 20 grown ass men.

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now, a decade later, i embrace the anxiety of her death and her dying as apart of the universe and the plan it has in store for all of the energy it holds. if i had done this at the time my mom passed, i would have saved myself a decade of drug abuse and living in perpetual fear of all things: what the fuck am i doing with my life, will i ever love, can i stop cheating, am i supposed to care all the time – living in fear that you are a shut down broken human ball of energy is…how people and why people commit suicide.

i say to the anxiety i feel now: i will deal with you now, not 10 years from now and not during the ten years until i accept that you exist. if i fear the energy of anxiety, i will live in perpetual fear – a fear that will not protect me, but will do one and only thing: guarantee that i will always be in fear.

fuck that noise. i feel you anxiety. i embrace you. i let you go. let go of the heart pounding, belly twisting nervousness. but, only after i let myself feel it-fully and completely.

that is my ramble this morning, on anxiety and the flow of universal energy
-shiv

5/24/16

∞ in regards to the infinite call to flow

on the flow of the universe
a ramble posted by me, on 5/23/2016

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it’s as simple as doing nothing less or more than what you want to do at any given moment.

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but, it requires the ability to concede to a universal moral code: we are a part of an infinite universe. all things that exist within this unknown existence – they are all one with us. when one part of the universe is damaged, all other parts are affected. we are all equals that exist within the same exact, the same exact – well, plane. a universal plane that is very much an illusion of a spectrum of what we’ve come to call life. when we make decisions based on our belief that we are nothing more or less than a blade of grass, a beautiful flower mistakenly perceived to be a weed, the flowing waters that shape our planets curves and edges–when we find ourselves empathetic to the existence of all life, not just human life, then we go with the flow of the universe

seems easy to do but it is very difficult. i find myself seeking notoriety for what i believe is the right thing to do & (i am guessing here), the right thing  to do then, as a victim of this desire to be acknowledged, abrasively and in the same manner in which we rip a band-aid off,  strips my self-supposed benevolence and charitable behavior of any speck of true kindness. my selfish desire turns charity into a self-serving action. save the rivers, feed the poor – these things, i have always yearned to fight for — and now that i am, i am confused- am i fighting the good fight for the rivers and for the poor? or because i wanted others to know i am a good person. is it wrong if its both? fuck.

to this moral, existential crisis -i say, please figure yourself out. kindly.

fuck that. from now on, i am throwing benefit events and fundraisers for our planet and i do not want personal name recognition attached to any of it. i want my community to realize that an anonymous neighbor has taken the time to remind them that we have a bond with the waters that raised us. if i keep attaching my story and name as i attempt to create change, most will assume i want to create the change in exchange for some sort of self-interest based benefit.

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damn, politicking and bullshitting at 2am as per shivani protocol.

night, fools. bernie 2016.

with solidarity and hope,

shiv.