anxiety and the flow of energy

anxiety. those in touch with the universal flow of energy, we suffer with the struggle of anxiety because we feel it all, we feel all of it. we feel what others do not. we feel for those who do not feel for themselves. we feel for the forgotten, the undiscovered, the unloved and the hateful. we feel. all of the time.

anxiety is the result.
fuck. shit.
feeling anxious.
shit is right next to the fear of death.
feels like your heart fell out of your butt.
fucking pharma and their doting doctors-
they will not hesitate to provide us with temporary fixes.
anxiety is apart of the universe’s energy.
it is not something we can, or should, ever mask.

anxiety hits me.
news is: mom has cancer, and not the type that shows up the first time. mom has cancer. again.
anxiety tears my soul:
mom dies.
heart pounding.
belly twisting nervousness.

knowing that all feelings are justified, my heart says listen, the universe sends things to you so that you can embrace them. the universe sends people, death,energy, opportunities and accidents. fucking embrace them.

yes, that is what i should have done. what did i do instead?
enough Xanax to kill 20 grown ass men.

now, a decade later, i embrace the anxiety of her death and her dying as apart of the universe and the plan it has in store for all of the energy it holds. if i had done this at the time my mom passed, i would have saved myself a decade of drug abuse and living in perpetual fear of all things: what the fuck am i doing with my life, will i ever love, can i stop cheating, am i supposed to care all the time – living in fear that you are a shut down broken human ball of energy is…how people and why people commit suicide.

i say to the anxiety i feel now: i will deal with you now, not 10 years from now and not during the ten years until i accept that you exist. if i fear the energy of anxiety, i will live in perpetual fear – a fear that will not protect me, but will do one and only thing: guarantee that i will always be in fear.

fuck that noise. i feel you anxiety. i embrace you. i let you go. let go of the heart pounding, belly twisting nervousness. but, only after i let myself feel it-fully and completely.

that is my ramble this morning, on anxiety and the flow of universal energy


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